I recently realized my parents have been gaslighting me for years. A lot of my life has been spent living a cruel lie because of this. What do I do?
I feel like your experience is the first time I’ve seen something close to mine. So, I’m going to tell my story and bolden hopefully helpful paralleles.About 3 years ago, I had a bunch of traumatic memories come forward. Suppressed memories. Three months after they came forward, I realized a hard truth none of it was my fault. Which meant everyone who did these things to me. My church (now cult) was a lie. My “loving family” was a lie. My “spoiled childhood” was a lie. My extended family was at least broken, and my entire belief system was a lie. In fact, it felt like everything I ever thought was a lie.I almost immediately went no contact with my church. I should have gone no contact with my parents as well, but I emotionally couldn’t do it. After a traumatic conversation, I fully broke contact with them 2 months later and won’t ever reconnect.(If you haven’t gone no contact with your family, you need to start making plans. They will continue doing what you described and they will never stop.)I struggled for the next year trying to make sense of it. How could they go along with this known and proven cult, and how could they treat me how they did? They even left for over a decade and still returned. That doesn’t happen like ever. If you asked here on Quora if it happens, you will get answers that it doesn’t happen. I asked.Eventually, I put the dots together that my father was a narcissist. (I’ve since my changed my mind that he is a sociopath, but in terms of what narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths are capable of doing in terms of cruelty is the same)What slowed me down in coming to that conclusion is people who have ignorant views on the existence of narcissists. These people think everyone is fundamentally the same. They believe every person’s sins are unintentional. If the person acting cruel had a better childhood, had more control of himself, could handle trauma better, could control his anger better…then the cruelty wouldn’t happen.They are wrong. Everything these people say is wrong.Your parents - the people who gaslighted and sabotaged your life - do not fit into this view of humanity. Their actions require calculation, planning, and a fundamental lack of care for others. They do not merely have a character flaw. They do these things on purpose and are fully aware what they do. You can read about them more and decide for yourself how much they are at fault for their actions, but what is clear is that they are fundamentally different than the average human being.Please do yourself a favor and trust yourself other these people about everything. Even the most well-meaning mentor will lead you astray if they don’t have this knowledge. Also, if someone takes the bible inerrantly, they are basically guaranteed to be ignorant about narcissists. “Everyone is sinful. All have sinned…we are all sinners…etc”So, after a year of eliminating arguments against my dad being a narcissist, I could feel good about disconnecting. These people do not change. Even though there’s a lot of bullshit on the internet about them, it is true that they don’t change. I’m sorry to say that there is no hope in your parents changing for the better, just as there is no hope for mine changing - even if they were to leave the cult they dragged me into.Then, I could more easily assume everything they said was a lie. And 2 years later, that’s still proven true.So, here’s some important things I had to investigate more thoroughly:I’m a wild child, and I’m over dramaticI have sensory integration disorder or ADHD (I would investigate whether or not you have actually asperger's. As you know, psychiatrists can be manipulated by your parents)Jesus, God, the Bible. Jesus is absolute Lord. God is provably true. The bible is inerrant and internally consistent. The bible has all the answers. I’m going to hell if I don’t believe in Jesus. And many statements like that.my extended family on both sides. Who knew what and could I trust them.Politics. Being Republican and watching Fox News is the absolute way to go.The meaning of all my memories. Virtually everything I ever did and said was defined or labeled by people. I had to go back and redefine a lot. Does falling down and say “ow” mean I am oversensitive?As I figured out more of these things, there were and still two extremely helpful facts that come up: (1) my parents were different than basically everyone and (2) I can trust myself.Several times since I left, I trusted the logic of the situation over myself. My gut said “don’t trust this person”, but the logic said “They are helping me, I have no reason to distrust them”. Each time, my gut was right and I got hurt.In my opinion, trusting yourself is the most helpful and most difficult lesson to learn. After all, everything your parents did to you screamed “don’t trust yourself”. Even though you know now that they are the cause of your distrust of yourself, the damage is still there. You still don’t feel like trusting yourself. Even assuming that “every single reason I have to distrust myself is false” is for some reason not enough.So after I “solved” many of the problems I already list, I continued investigating my extended family and my mom. Something didn’t feel right, and my extended family was treating me badly. I was trying to understand them and felt like they were just like my dad and the cult leader, but the ignorant people were telling people “No. You’re wrong. They are good people. They are helping you. Trust them. I know your parents and the cult are bad, but you can trust them.”They were wrong.My impression of them, my analysis of them is trustworthy.My extended family on both sides fits the descriptions of narcissists and sociopaths. I later had sexually abusive memories about them that completely ended all doubts.So, then, I undid another very important thing that the ignorant people said. Probability is irrelevant.It’s not something that should ever cause you to doubt yourself. Anyone who tries to say that your memories, your conclusions, or your circumstances are unlikely is ignorant. Plus, knowledgeable people know this stuff tends to cascade. It’s not uncommon for an abusive situation to get worse or have lots of complications.I forgot to mention therapists. I’m told specialists are helpful. I didn’t have the money to go to one. Non-specialist therapists might be ignorant people.I went to 6 different therapists in 3 years. Only one was consistently helpful, and even he got my extended family wrong. Three were unhelpful, and two were just good sounding boards.So if you do go to one and you see them trying to make excuses for your parents, trust yourself over them. They do ask really good questions most of the time. They can help uncover things and assist in creating new conclusions.At this point in my life, I don’t have any answers about romantic relationships. I haven’t for a while. I have too much anxiety to get that close to someone.I don’t feel like I made it totally clear, so “yes, I can relate.” I was gaslighted by my parents, my extended family on both sides, a professional mentor, a cult, and childhood bullies. I was also sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by these people (not all sexually abused me).You can get help from people like me - those who have gone through it and those who have done study about gaslighting, abusive families, and so forth. Other people can only emotionally support you, and you may want to let them know you don’t want advice. There’s a ton more I could write, but I’ve done a lot and my arms. If you have any questions in comment or PM, I’m glad to answer them. It’s nice to talk with someone who gets it.A couple things on your wiki I wanted to mention:CodependentCodependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaCodependencyIf you are somehow blaming yourself for tolerating your parents abuse for so long, don’t. It’s absolutely not your fault and this doesn’t make you co-dependent. If your current significant other is doing one of these and you are supporting him/her, that’s different.I too thought I was co-dependent for a while, but I’m not. That’s for adults with good childhoods who stumbled into these situations and knowingly help people. For me, it’s the adult cult members who know the cult leader sexually abuses people. It’s not me or my peers who were forced into that situation.I really don’t think co-dependent changes healing either.This reminds me…because of how much your parents labeled your behavior and potentially accused you of mental disorders, you may have a tendency to quickly diagnose yourself. I would do that very slowly and get professional opinions. I know I said a lot about trusting yourself, but this is one where instinct can be wrong. But this is because of how they trained your brain. While this line of thinking can get scary “What if they trained my brain on everything”, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Even if they are still patterns where you make mistake and can’t trust your initial reaction, you can still trust yourself in the long run for everything. I feel like there’s a better way to say this, but it’s just not that bad. The cult trained my brain extensively, and I still should have trusted myself when I choose not too.The extent of the manipulationI’m not sure how you discovered the landlords got anonymous calls about you, but my point is this: They could have done a lot more that you will never discover evidence about. What this means is that trying to do intellectual ways of healing is more difficult to impossible. You can’t “discover and prove everything they did was bad”. You can find a lot, but there will always be the possibility that they do more you haven’t discovered - even when it seems like nothing more could have happened, even when it seems like no one else in your past was a bad person.TherapistsMost of them can still help process emotions, thoughts, help with depression ,and suicidal thoughts. They are basically all good at that. It’s very standard. If you want help with any of those, they are helpful and the cheap ones can help too.Going no contact.I feel like you haven’t cut them off. So, I’m going to write a basic plan of how to do it:Understand what you need emotionally to let them go. Maybe it’s one more chance, maybe it’s a face to face conversation in a public place (do not do more than 1 of these and do not under any circumstance do it a private location), maybe it’s a letter. This may take some deep soul searching and some time.I needed to ask them to stop and tell them how I felt. I should have ended it after they proved they didn’t care. Not doing so was easily the worst mistake I’ve ever made.Prepare everyone your parents has a phone number for. Let your friends/family/boss/landlord/local police know what you are about to do and what your parents will say. This will help them believe you. Being the first one to make an argument and predicting what the opponent will say usually convinces people - regardless of the logic of the arguments.Move. I got really lucky on this one. I happened to move the day after I was forced to go no contact. They will come to your apartment and bang on the door. You will feel so much better if they don’t know where you live.Create a support network. If you have friends, understanding family, maybe get a therapist…just be ready for the strong emotions going to flow from this choice. It’s very important to stay emotionally healthy and discharge those emotions quickly so that you don’t reconnect with your parents. I got lucky again. I had no choice but to disconnect, so I just happened to have enough support and internal strength to stay away until my feelings slowed down.Lie to your parents. Don’t give them any idea of your thoughts or plans. Keep up the facade that everything is great.Allow people to help you. Your significant other can help a lot, like with the local police. It should be much easier emotionally for him/her to talk with them instead of you.Demolish religious arguments. If you came from Christianity, there’s some bullshit about forgiving people meaning that you can’t cut them out of your life. All of these have logical errors. All of them. There is nothing in any serious religion that suggests you can’t get away from abusive parents. “Honor your mother and father” has no connection whatsoever to “removing yourself from parents where violence is normal”. You can bring any up to me. I had about 6 to go through in order to disconnect.Love Yourself. The more you do this, the more power you will gain to stand up for your own needs. By your description, you have had more success at this than me. I hope it goes well for you.
My landlord is telling me I have a week to leave because his son needs the apartment. Doesn't he need to give me more notice. How can I find a new place to live in 1 week?
Typical notice is 30 days. It could be as low as 10 days in special cases such as non payment of rent. Here are the laws in each state via State Rules on Notice Required to Change or Terminate a Month-to-Month TenancyHere in Pennsylvania the law is:http://rturn.net/laws/evictions/...In order to evict your landlord is required to give you a proper notice. This notice must be in writing, and it must state the date that you should be out. If you are in the middle of a lease term and you have not violated the lease by falling behind in your rent for example, the landlord cannot evict you before the end of the lease term.Most written leases have a clause in them that states how much time in advance either the landlord or the tenant must give if they are not renewing the lease.If your lease does not state otherwise, the notice must give you only 15 days for a month to month or year to year lease.However, if your landlord is trying to evict you for non-payment of rent, he or she must only give you 10 days notice. This is true whether your lease is verbal or in writing.But, remember, although your landlord gives you a notice to get out, he or she can evict you ONLY after taking you to court!
In what circumstances can we break out lease of apartment?
There are a few different situations where you might need to break your lease. To give you a few examples:If you are in an unlivable situation, it is often called a “constructive eviction.” Look at your state laws to see what kind of notice you need to provide your landlord before you leave. You probably need to allow them time to fix the issue (i.e. no hot water, etc.) before you are legally in the clear. Sometimes a landlord will allow you to move if you want out and have already found a respectable suitor to sublet your place. Check your lease to see if your building allows for subletting.You have a solid reason (new job, family, etc.). You need to discuss this with your landlord to see if they approve and also, wait for it, check your state laws.You just want to move out, but your landlord is in agreement and will allow you to do it. In this situation, get consent in writing.From how it seems, it doesn't look like any of these circumstances apply here. That said, there is one more thing for you to look into. In order to see if there is a way for you to break the lease without having to pay the rest of the rent you owe or finding a new tenant. Check your state laws, because your state may be one where the landlord must “rerent,” otherwise known as looking for someone to fill your place. Even if they do find someone, you will probably owe at least one month’s rent. You also might have to cover the cost the landlord fronts to show your apartment to a prospective tenant, but this could be considered a small price to pay to get out of the apartment without having to find someone else to fill it.Sometimes the landlord does not follow the “rerent” protocol and asks you to pay the remainder of your lease. Write them a letter, and advocate for yourself. Cite appropriate state laws on “rerent” protocol. More information on this here.
How much time must a landlord give you to move out when allowed to stay for free?
This is not legal advice.Any level of government may impose laws impinging on this situation. The following is a generalization over different jurisdictions.When there is no consideration, there is no contract.That means that, in any contract, each party must receive some benefit, and must give some benefit as a reward for it. For example, when some philanthropist gives some valuable item to an organization, and the transaction is recognized in a legal document, the receiver pays the donor typically one dollar, or an equivalent amount in whatever currency is relevant, and this payment is recorded as part of the legal document that records the transaction. Otherwise, the contract is not legally enforceable, and/or the gift may subsequently be subject to dispute by the e.g. heirs of the donor, or other parties with some claim, however tenuous, on the gift.In particular, a gift to a family member is often registered as made “for natural love and affection and one dollar”.Specifically, in the present question, if the phrase “for free” means that the landlord receives no compensation for the occupation, then there is no legal contract. Therefore, nobody has any obligation to anybody.A separate provision of law that might impinge on the situation is “squatter’s right”. This means that if the owner of real estate permits some other entity to occupy some space for some time, even only passively by not communicating with the occupant, the occupant may acquire a right to indefinite use of that space, after a prescribed period of such occupancy. Permitting public access to some space may similarly eventually make that space effectively public property. A typical such length of time is one year.However, squatter’s right is particularly variable from one jurisdiction to another, and its applicability to any particular case is typically a complicated matter to resolve.
Landlord asked us to watch girl upstairs and call him if wevthink she is moving out. We said yes. Today, he wants us to hand deliver a letter to her. I say no, boyfriend says yes. What do you think?
Please please pleaseDon’t get involved, the “hand delivered” letter is obviously not a nice letter as he would have delivered it themselves.Let’s say it’s the start of eviction. You are there a lot more that your landlord Andy you could become the target.Tell your landlord to grow a backbone
How much time does a landlord have to give a tenant to move out?
Generally speaking, when the lease expires it becomes a month to month tenancy with the same provisions as the lease (amount of rent, obligations etc).Here the rule is thirty days if no renewal is offered and a month to month is not agreeable to the landlord (rare).If it is an eviction notice (the one grace the law grants LLs here) it depends on the notice. If you assault (verbally or physically) the landlord or are actively damaging the property you get a 24 hour notice. I never had the misfortune to ever have to post one of those.A notice of Substantial Breach gives fourteen days from the date it was posted for the tenant to vacate the premises. It is given when a pattern of violations occur (multiple late payments, partial payments, violations of various clauses within the lease.The pay or quit gives thirty days for a tenant to either pay the unpaid rent and bring the account up to date or leave.Here leases must contain the phrase ‘may be terminated by either party with thirty days written notice ‘.So, absent a tenant who chooses to fight an eviction, which brings in the courts (here) it can be anywhere from one day for a violent thug to thirty days for someone falling behind on their bills.Most tenants don’t fight eviction here for the simple reason that when you avoid the courts you avoid the official record showing your evictions. Most landlords want nothing more to do with a tenant who forced them to evict, so do not make it public that the tenant was evicted .
How long after move out does landlord have to sue for property damage?
Laws are going to vary by location, but odds are good that it’s at least 1 year for simple property damage, but it could be more for a breach of contract. However, odds are good that if there’s a real issue it will not take that long as the landlord will take action after some period of notice has been exceeded. This period would be spelled out in a demand letter giving you X number of days to make restitution or face a civil suite. Now, they may not have to send you such a letter, the process may have been spelled out in your lease.Also, keep in mind, most land lords are not going to wait 4,6, or more months to come after you - they’ll act quick as their likelihood that they will recover money from you will decrease with time - however if they simply want to come after you in small claims to get a judgment and punish you by getting an entry in your credit report they may do that purely in an effort to make it harder for you to rent from others and repeat the process… this assumes that something actually happened BTW…If you’re innocent, you need to show up and not loose by default. Bring any credible evidence you have, photos are great, emails too… Texts are likely not so great, and texting should never be used for business transactions as they are harder to prove up. If you have them, use them, but an old email gives a better “paper” trail.
Could somebody help me to write an offer letter to rent out my commercial space as a landlord?
I would really contact a real estate lawyer in your local area. Commercial and residential leasing carries certain risks, and you want to make sure you are protected, given the potential consequences. Therefor, I would suggest going on Avvo.com - Legal. Easier. or Yelp or speaking with other local landlords, and getting a referral for an attorney to prepare this for you.